Long Lost...

Two dimensional whispers,
Released from my fingers tips.
Thoughts like morning dew, crawling into existence.
Crawling,
Reaching,
Reached.
My confidant,
My digital piece of heaven,
My laptop has returned to me.
Like long lost lovers,
Returning to blissful memories of their youth.

Ha, I'm not dramatic at ALL.

But seriously, I've missed my computer a lot.
And it's back!
Thank you Mother and Father for mailing it (as well as many other cherished possessions) back to my loving arms. Now my mouth can enjoy the comforts of my real toothbrush. The one I don't resent.
By the way, I did buy a toothbrush when I got back to school, but I hated that I had to.

Yesterday would have been the perfect blogging day (if the post office had been open...)
A snow day for Eastern New Mexico University made its way into my reality. A snow day resulting in dramatic movies, tears, laughter, hair dye, and exhaustion for my roommate and myself.
I was doing so good.
And then yesterday I just crashed.
It's been two months since I've seen Erik, well in person, and yesterday, I would have given anything to see him.
Hold his hand. Beg him to stop tickling me. Ask him to do Thor impersonations...
Even just sit next to him.
That would have been fine.
All of my fears and frustrations came crashing down all at once.
I know these days come every once in a while so it's kinda ridiculous how surprising it is every time they make their way right into the middle of my life.
On one hand I'm kinda proud of myself though.
2 months is the longest I've gone without "crashing" before.
It's just an awful feeling- feeling weak and pathetic. Thank God for God.

And so the process starts all over, everyday, surrendering all I have to Jesus.
It's funny how most of the time I feel like I'm surrendering things I don't even "have" (cause I am). It's like He's showing me all of the things He holds in His hands and when I see something I like, I try and take it, but I can't. So, because I can't pick it up "something must be wrong" so I try even harder to take it. Pretty soon I'm obsessed with this one little detail, wanting to take care of it, and I look like a psycho trying to take Excalibur out of the stone and God is like,
"What are you doing? It's fine, Joanna."
"What? No it's not! It's not moving!"
"Dear, I know. Do you really want me to let go of it?"
And that is the moment where I realize just how crazy I am. Also the moment where I am relieved that I am not God and He doesn't give me all that I think I want.
So today I am focused on being content in Jesus- time to count my blessings and breathe.

Blessing #1: I can breathe.

I know it's a little late but in case anyone is still interested to see what I got Erik for Valentine's Day here you go:

1. Open package, select envelop "#1"
2. Open #1, pull out paper hands (my hands)."I wish I could show you in person... but I guess this will have to do. :)"
3. Open hands, "I love you this many and so much MORE!"
4. Select "#2"
5. Open "#2" to find 3 (labeled of course) mini envelops.
6. Envelop #1 "'Shell' I be your Valentine?..." finding inside, a shell.
7. Envelop #2 "... Because it makes 'cents' to me..." finding inside, two pennies.
8. Envelop #3 "... Am I 'write'?" with a (pink, hello valentine's day) pen attached.
9. Then proceed to select box "#3," open,  find a watch!
P.s. I didn't put these instructions in the package, I'm not THAT o.c.d.

I was so glad he liked it, I absolutely love thinking up what to do for these sort of gifts. It's the best when you love to give a gift as much as you love receiving one.

Mission V-Day: Accomplished.

And so, as I close this overly dramatic entry, here is a little foreshadowing of a few upcoming events in my life:
> Getting my hair to the blonde I want it to be.
> My first college spring break.
> Erik's training graduation.

Yeah :)

Weekend Aftermath.

First day back at school (as if I've been gone for sooo long)
and I don't know how I feel about this past weekend.
It was good going home and spending time with my family
(and getting my laundry done without paying $10 in quarters)
but I guess I just wish it could have been more relaxing.
I wanted to crawl up on the couch with my mom and watch movies all weekend and drink coffee. Instead it was a huge therapy session between me and everyone I came in contact with.
At least that's what it felt like.
And it's not such a bad thing, I'm really glad about it actually, just not very relaxing.
And I don't even know why I'm complaining about this because I initiated all of it!
I just crave for my relationships to grow.
I can't stand the stand-still feeling which comes out of relationships that aren't being propelled.
I will work and work until I feel like my relationships are spinning in the direction they should be.
It was a couple hours before heading back to school that I just fell on the couch and said to my mom, "This is one of those times where I don't know if I'm ahead of the game, need to catch up, or even know what I'm talking about."
I think it's okay though.
God's grace is enough and His promises are true, so even if I am a little crazy, I know He's got me covered.
Speaking of which, it was absolutely great to go to church this past Sunday and worship while my old youth group's worship leader led worship ( ha that was kind of confusing).
When he leads worship, even though I'm in a room with hundreds of people and distractions, I can truly come to a place of just me and God.
And he is the only worship leader I've experienced that with.
God has made him incredible- incredible for His glory.

I cried during worship. All the songs were about fear and I just lost it.
I was telling God how I don't understand why I deal with fear now and never before.
And I kind of just had this "how is it that simple?" moment when He said,
"You've never had anything to lose before."
Ahhh God, You... You know me, much better than I know myself.
Everything, everyday- it's a constant and consistent surrender.
Kelly Clarkson sings these lyrics, "catching my breath, letting it go," and that's exactly how I feel about... this life, I guess.
All the good things, the bad, the eh, the yes, the no- they are all experiences that we catch, that we breathe in, and they are all things to let go.
Nothing is forever except our relationship with God.
That felt good to get out.

What doesn't feel good is how upset I am for leaving so many things at my parents house including:
>My laptop (its not like I have a paper due next week or the first test for my online class... due tonight... nothing like that of course)
>My TOOTHBRUSH! Erg I do that EVERY time.
>My hairbrush, mousse, heat tamer, pair of jeans etc.

Its not that big of a deal I just annoy myself by doing that kind of stuff.
Gosh why can't I remember my stupid toothbrush!?!
I don't mean that... my toothbrush is not stupid. Sorry toothbrush.
I just would think that I would remember to pack the product I use EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Blah.
Not to mention I feel bad that my parents have to mail it to me.
I feel really bad about that.
At least it'll be exciting when the mail comes!
Like Christmas, but without the whole "importance to my salvation" thing going on.

Speaking of the mail, it's Valentine's Day!
Erik's gift arrived and after convincing the lady at the post office that it was not a mistake that the package wouldn't have my name on it
(when Erik ordered it he sent it to my address but with his name lol)
and after convincing Skype to let me see my boyfriend, Erik and I enjoyed a nice little Valentine's day.
I am so happy that he liked what I got/made for him!
I'll include it in my next post (when my laptop is returned to its rightful place).
And I, of course, LOVE what he got me!
A new Pandora charm for my bracelet.
But not just any charm, it's a mini Colosseum!

#52 on our bucket list is to go to Italy and my little charm tells me that we are one step closer.
I love it.
Apparently there is more Valentine's gift waiting for me when I go to his training graduation.
(So excited to see him!)
Of course when he told me that, I said that the rest of my gift was him (duuuh) but I'm thinking it's actually a necklace.
I guess we'll see if I'm right soon enough!

Well that's all I have to unload right now.
That's probably a good thing. ;)

Valentine's2013

I knew waking up today, that this would be a day for the record books, and it was, just not the way I expected.
It never is.

My roommate and I woke up at 7 am, exercised, got ready for the day, and did our devotionals.
We were at McDonald's the other night and saw a mom and her son walk in with ashes on their foreheads.
"Is it Ash-Wednesday?"
So we decided that, even though we aren't Catholic, it'd be fun/interesting/good to give something up for lent. But we didn't want it to be like,
"Uh, du-yeah, I'll give up.... COKE."
While we both have a couple of differences in the additional things we are giving up, we both are giving up make up. So getting up this morning and taking care of ourselves (physically and spiritually) was a really great feeling.
It's the awe(all) nat-too-ral(natural) Jo and Roommie lent.

Another good feeling is finding out you were one of the few students to ace the Psychology test.
Another good feeling is laps in the pool after lunch.
Another good feeling going to dance practice and seeing progress.
Another good feeling is cookies and cream ice cream followed by a Skype date with the my Erik.
It's always nice to talk to that one person in the world who you just completely click with. I loved spending Valentine's day with/not so with my soldier.

I am a lucky gal.

Plus, last semester I was able to Skype with him... 1 time I think.

But THIS semester I've gotten like 4-5 dates! #spoiled
It's crazy to think he'll be done with medic training in about a month. 

Which ALSO means I get to see him in about a month!!!
We are over past the middle point, which is a relief, I've got 45 days behind me and 34 to go. 

Speaking of which, I've been dying to confess my guilty pleasure, so now that I'm thinking of it, I'll just go ahead.
I'm addicted to a deployment support page on facebook- I probably shouldn't be, buuuuut I am.
"Deployment: One day at a time"

It's not just about deployment either, there have been posts about good sweet tea recipes and asking about connecting/finding military friends near their new station. It's so supportive and encouraging and family-like.
I absolutely LOVE reading all (and by "all" I mean the 40 posts they make everyday) the stories and questions that these military relationships face, because not only can I (in my small amount of military relationship experience) relate to what these women are talking about, but it's really wonderful to know ahead of time the kinds of circumstances I may be faced with. 

Sometimes there are snarky remarks made by some of the women who think everyone in the world should be an insensitive jerk to prove they don't need anyone, but they are quickly shot down for being rude. Why are they looking at a support page anyway if they can do it all on their own? Beats me, but I'm glad I stumbled across the page.

Duh, of course I am, I'm addicted remember?

Anywho, 

the rest of my evening included finishing up a math presentation, wondering why I'm not an art major, and watching Jim Gaffigan with one of my best friends.

I can't wait for tomorrow already.

Which reminds me of one of Jim Gaffifan's jokes about kids not wanting to go to bed. He talks about how when you tell kids that it's time to go to bed they say, 

"Bed? What's that? Oh nooo, I don't wanna do that..."
I remember feeling like that as a kid because being awake is so much fun.
You know you're life is pretty wonderful if 

A. You don't want to go to sleep because you don't want to miss out on anything

  or

B. You can't wait to fall asleep because you can't wait to live tomorrow.

Well Goodnight all,

Happy Valentine's Day 2013

"In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation (to appease) for our sins." 1 John 4:10

A Kink In The Road. 2/13/13

Yesterday, I decided to call up the renters to confirm our meeting today:
>"Are we still on for meeting tomorrow?"
"Um no, I rented out the house this weekend."
???
>"Oh, okay."
"Sorry, I didn't have your number so I couldn't tell you."
What? Yes you have my number! AND my email!
Thank you Jesus for saving us from those renters!
I just think that is so bizarre. I'm still in awe. I can't believe she didn't let us know.
I guess she figured taking the listing off of craigslist would be good enough.
So much for "feeling" like that was the house.
Oh well, God has something else in store. Just gotta be prepared for it :)

On to other houses!
Future roommate #1 and I looked at a different house this morning.
It was... not for us.
I think we'll just wait until it gets closer to summer to look for houses.
That way we won't have the hassle of trying to convince renters to hold the properties for us.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow- well, for most of the world.
I've been checking my mail like a mad woman and still nothing from Erik.
I felt really weird about it because I sent his gift the day after he sent mine and he got it on Monday.
Turns out they canceled his order because of an issue with some military address thing.
Everything is squared away though and it should be here Monday!
Poor guy, he's dying with curiosity, I would be too if I had possession of a present from him for a week before I could open it!
At least I don't have to! (hehe)

I can't wait to go home this weekend. I've missed my mom and dad.
I've missed my other family too, but there's nothing like Mama and Daddy.
It's going to be a long trip though.
I have a play that I'm in on Friday night and I might not make it home til 2-3am.
That's okay though, that's what three day weekends are for!
Besides, it's home- home is so worth it. It's funny because while everyone else couldn't wait to graduate my senior year, I knew I was going to miss Alamo. I knew it had become my home and despite the rough start, my adolescence was amazing- I don't think I could have grown in the ways I did anywhere else, with anyone else. God knew what he was doing when He brought me to "the desert."
Ahh nostalgia is wonderful, I'm addicted to memories.

Memory of the day:

Our sort of "Lunchteam!"
Grover and Ming Ming are some of my best friends from high school. It's crazy how God transformed Grover's life in such a short amount of time and how close of friends we all became. (That wasn't a short joke I promise).
We took this picture with Ming Ming (in spirit), he's holding her Swedish Fish. We three were the lunch team in Alamo. I'll never forget the time Taco Bell forgot his food. We got back to the high school and he just sat there while Ming Ming and I ate. Even though I laughed, I really did feel bad.
I miss you guys so much. We'll be a lunch team again someday, promise.

"And the Holy Spirit descended upon Him in bodily form like a dove, and a voice came out of heaven, 'You are My beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased.' " Luke 3:22

Major Issues.

I have major issues.
Literally.
As in, I have no idea what I want to major in. Well actually, that's a lie, I have an IDEA, but that's pretty much it. I started out as a Theatre major - ha that was smart, jumping into something that I don't know anything about - I just don't think it's right for me.
I want to go to school and learn about something I really believe in, that I think is important and valuable in life and living with others.
I just want to pick something and stick with it.
I've thought about psychology, art, film making, communicablahgii...bllkjdha, kisdholskjhduheljfgl.....
Blah! I don't know.

There are days when I think to myself, "Wow, I really do belong in theatre." But then I get into it and I'm totally set back because I don't believe in it. I don't think theatre is a vital part of who I am or what I want to use in order to channel greatness into the world. I just think it's fun.
Fun.
Simple as that.
It's so appealing because it's fun and there is always a different story and a different character. It's always moving and changing. But it's NOT. It's hard to have fun and be creative the way someone else wants you to be creative. That's stupid.
I haven't found my niche- the art that is totally me.
I want to find that niche so bad.
The thing that I live to do, create, breathe in, exhale out.
The thing that when people look at me, they think, "She is perfect for that."
The thing that when I look at myself, I think, "I am perfect for this."
The thing that is exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.
The thing that I work so hard to do because I was made for it.
One thing I know, being creative breeds creativity.
During my senior year of high school I produced more original paintings than I had collectively over my entire lifetime. And it was incredible. I felt amazing because the more I painted the more I wanted to paint. I had the freedom and drive to paint and experiment with different styles and methods.
Anyways, my point is this:
The more I painted the more I wondered about different things I could do.
"Being creative breeds creativity."
I feel like if acting or painting was important enough to me, and I wanted to invest myself in it, I could be really good.
But it's not.
And the possibility of being really good at something isn't a good enough reason for me to spend thousands of dollars to be educated for it.
I really want that passion.
So I've been thinking of some ways to exercise my creative side in the meantime

Project Creative:
1. Short films! I totally forgot that I can check out really nice cameras to make shorts with! So I'll definitely be doing that in the near future.
2. Creative writing. Short stories, poems, maybe I'll even make a blog ;)
3. Photography. Yes, I am going to be like every other girl on the internet who thinks she can be a photographer. Pictures are just so great!
-Unfortunately, I don't have the money to go buy art supplies so this is the end of my creative list so far. I would love to hear your ideas as well!

Update on the house:
My friend popped up on fb the other day and said that the renters took the listing off of craigslist.
YAY!!!
Well, maybe.
That could mean one of two things:
1. They went ahead and rented it to someone else
    or
2. They are planning on us taking the house.
It's crazy because earlier that day, before my friend told me about the listing, I was telling my mom that I think the renters are planning on renting the house to us, and how even though I didn't really have any concrete experience/conversation, that has been my impression. After all, we still have a meeting with them on Wednesday. I would think that if they rented the house to someone else already, they would cancel the meeting.Who knows what could happen, I'm excited though!


Also,
I know some of the best people in the world.
And if you haven't seen this video, my gosh, please watch it. It's incredibly beautiful.

Plural this, plural that.

Thoughts:
   > Goals
  > Valentine's
 > Houses

   > "Why did we do that?"
That's pretty much guaranteed to be heard every morning from either my roommate or myself. Staying up til 1... 2... 3 in the morning on Pinterest and watching stand up comedy with my roommate has become a favorite college pastime of mine, unfortunately.
I feel inclined to say "unfortunately" because of the lovely zombie appearance I attain from the activity. I seriously need to get back on track:
Set some boundaries? Change my routine? Yoga??
I wonder if there are pills to reduce compulsive impulses...
Sigh.
I think I just need to start going to bed earlier... without my laptop. Aaand start waking up before the fifth snooze button.
Tonight's goal is 11 pm.
Tomorrow mornings goal? 7 am.
It's a pretty optimistic goal.
Challenge accepted.

  > On a more exciting note, Valentine's Day is in exactly one week!
Did I really just promote Valentine's Day?
Yes, yes I did!
Even though I do feel a little self-betrayal, I admit, I am MORE than excited for St. Valentine's Day 2013.
I've always been dead set against the "holiday" 
 (except in 2009, but that was more of a prank/gag gift anyways)
but this is my first real Valentine's!
Since Erik is still in AIT, we'll be sending our gifts via mail and opening them together over Skype. Hopefully our packages reach their final destinations by the 14th, if not, we'll have our own Valentine's Day and be cooler than the rest of the world. I can't wait to say what I got him (and post pictures)! I feel silly being so giddy about this, but I can't help it. Plus, I have no clue what he got me! I've always been able to guess (or at least have a really solid idea) about the gifts or surprises he's planned, but this time, I have a small hunch.
A SMALL hunch.
Agh. I'm so excited. I really couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.
Erik is amazing.

 >  So there's this house... and I really, really want it!
This house is super adorable and just right for my future three roommates and I to live in. I found it a couple weeks ago while browsing online for places to move into this summer. I emailed the renter to ask about a tour and to see where she stands on holding her houses.
Of course, she rents on a "first come, first serve" basis. I don't blame her for that, I realize that is a source of her income, but.
Ugh.
No, Jo.
No "but."
I feel really drawn to this house, I saw plenty of other homes that would work just fine - homes that are newer, have just as much room, some even cost less. I just really feel like this is supposed to be the house. The house has been on the market for 7 days now and since June is the earliest possible time I/my roommates could move in, "first come, first serve" scares me. I just gotta trust God. He cares more for me and than I do.
Future roommate #1 and I went and toured the house- we fell in love. I just cannot tell you how perfect this house is. It's not the nicest house, it's pretty old actually (pretty old as in 80% of the house has wood paneling). But nothing beats the charm of window seats, lantern-like light fixtures in the laundry room (accompanied by purple tile on the walls and a blue&white toilet), the built-in bread box in the kitchen cabinets- the list goes on.
We prayed about it while we were there and asked that if this was our house, that God would make a way and that the renters would be people of character. Right after that, the renter's husband (his wife couldn't be there so she sent him to open the house for us) tells us not to rush into making a decision about the house.
What?
God?
"If you guys want, I can leave you a key and you can come by later to see it."
What?
God??
Also, he had said previously that he was the repairman for the house and we would just need to put a piece of painters tape on the things we wanted fixed and he'd take care of it before we moved in (in the case that we do move in...).
What?
God???
I am totally wowed. Extremely wowed.
We set up an appointment to talk about more details with the renter next Wednesday. I am psyched! "God if this is our house, make a way."
p.s. Future roommates #2 and #3 love the house too. #2 hasn't seen it in person (yet) but loved the videos we sent her.

I don't really know what to do with myself right now. I am content though, everything seems to be slipping in its right place. Or maybe everything has been in it's right place (probably, yes) and I'm coming around to accepting where God has brought me. Either way, it's a never ending process.
Discontent, content, discontent, content. I like content. I'll stay here for a while, I think.

Goodnight!
Oh by the way, I revised my previous goal from 11 pm to 12 am.
Soooo technically I succeeded!
And am 10 minutes early. Boo-yah.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:43-45

I did it!

Well, I finally did it.
I made my first blog!
And I use the term "first" very loosely. Actually, I stayed up til 3 am and created three blog accounts last night. The creation of each account was immediately followed with the deletion of each account. I think I have some weird commitment issue with blog accounts (especially since I secretly have wanted to have a blog for a few years now).
But this is it! I have put my foot down and will soon publish this, my first post (that is, if I don't delete the account before I'm finished).

I'm not really sure what else to write now. All the blogs I've read have a purpose and their introductory post explains why they start blogging, who their target audience is, and their hopes for making a difference. I'm just not that cool, I guess (either that, or I'm lazy and self-centered). I think I'll just write whatever is on my mind.
Any objections?
No?
Really?
Good!
Because "there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
In case you didn't catch the above reference:


I hope everyone has had a wonderful day, I know I have even despite my lack of sleep.
"He who pursues righteousness and loyalty Finds life, righteousness and honor." Proverbs 21:21