I am truly relieved to say that I have seen the year of two thousand and thirteen come to pass.
2013 has bee-
Was.
It was exactly what it should have been. It was a hard one, though. 2013 was a year of, what felt like, constant change. When the change came I was excited and I believed that it was good, but change is still change; and no one ever changes perfectly.
Unless you're like a butterfly or something.
I resisted a lot last year.
I accepted a lot last year.
I stumbled a lot last year.
I laughed a lot last year.
I thought a lot last year.
I blogged, not a lot, but I blogged last year.
I experienced so many wonderful and very trying things last year.
I can recall doing the right thing and I can see where I did the wrong thing. Lots of times, for both of those.
What I notice most about this year is that it has produced in me a stronger desire to do the right thing. Not because:
"it's the right thing to do"
"The Bible told me to"
"well crap hit the fan the last time I didn't"
Doing the right thing isn't so much about the action as it is about the heart.
And not necessarily my heart.
Doing the right thing. Man, I can read that, I can write it, I can say it, I can hear it in my head with a million different voices.
It can sound like my mom paired with a lecture about cleaning my room.
It can sound like a friend affirming me in a decision I've made.
It can feel like a breeze sweeping across a hillside.
It can also bring the weight of chains locked around my wrists and ankles.
Whatever tone it has, it's a definite one.
I remember talking with a friend this semester about why we should "do the right thing" and the big dead end was:
Because it's what God wants us to do.
Why would God want us to do the "right thing" just because that's what He wants us to do?
Hmm?
It's not like we're in God's huge Zoo Tycoon game where He puts the zebras in the lion exhibit just because He can and wants to see the zebras get devoured. (You know you did it too.)
The opposite is true as well. God doesn't place the zebras in the lion exhibit because He wants to see whether or not the lions "do the right thing".
He doesn't just want us to do the right thing because He can and wants to see us painfully resist what we naturally/sinfully desire to have and do.
I think that's how we - modern day Christians - have come to see Him though.
"God just wants me to (insert whatever God wants/what you THINK God wants you to do) because He said so."
"God knows I'm gonna fail so that's OBVIOUSLY why He wants me to.."
"God is boring and just wants me to be miserable"
Okay, so maybe we don't consciously think those things, but maybe we do. Maybe they aren't quite phrased that way.
Just a month or so ago I was sitting in church and I was thinking about some things that had happened throughout the year and I started to get a little misty eyed.
"God, I feel like You put me through these things because You know I'll just take it."
And clear as day, He spoke to my heart,
"Joanna, all I want is for you to give them to me."
Oof.
I then let out a "I'm so silly" laugh which I'm sure He smiled at.
"How many times am I going to have to learn this lesson," I wondered as I shook my head.
To give it to Him.
That's all I have to do. That's all He wants from us- from me. He wants there to be nothing holding us back from Him. So if that means He's gotta hold my best friend from 1998,
and that heartbreak from 2009,
and the move in 2005,
and names they called you,
and the hurt you caused,
and the anger
the fear,
the pain,
the hopelessness and the loneliness,
the weariness,
if He's gotta hold all that so you can let Him in…
Then give it to Him.
He doesn't want us to "just take it" just like He doesn't want us "to just do the right thing" for the sake of doing the right thing.
He wants to be close to us; as close as He can get.
I want that too, I want to be closer than I could possibly imagine to Him, the God of all creation.
So that's my best guess.
Why does He want me "to do the right thing"?
Because doing the right thing is choosing Him. When I'm choosing Him I'm learning His character, I'm putting on His righteousness- I am giving Him all I've got and drawing close to Him.
"I want to spend my time; really spend it, not just wait for it to pass by. I want to look back on my life one day and be able to say, 'I have nothing left to give' because I gave my everything."
That's what I told Kaitlin a few weeks ago.
That's what I can do through Christ.
