Poof.

Blog. Oh, Blog. I don't know what to do with you.

I haven't written anything in so long.

Just thinking about writing, recording, memorizing... It's exhausting.

September.

Erik and I broke up.

I feel like saying that the details are irrelevant. Which they kind of are..

Blagh.

We broke up. I broke up with him. 

I love him and so many things about him.

He's got a heart of gold and really great dreams;

I just wasn't going to marry him.

The people we are right now aren't the right people to get married to one another. 

And that's what it came down to.

October. 

AMP has grown so much! And holy cow, they are so much fun. It's fantastic- we have small groups now in AMP (which is Sunday night youth group for high school and middle schoolers) now as well as a bible study on Wednesdays (just for high school) called Amplified. The structure is slowly becoming established and that makes me feel really good. God is amazing. I couldn't handle school and this ministry by myself (and I'm not supposed to). I've really had to step out of my comfort zone of "I only do things I'm good at" and trust Him to develop this passing time into useful, growing substance.

November.

I just got back from the Spectrum Retreat this weekend. 

I.

Am.

Tired.

(I don't want to do astronomy homework...)

It was so good though. So, so very good.

I really needed that weekend getaway. 

It was nice to be able to go to the mountains for a few days and not have to think about responsibilities or making plans. I didn't have to smile if I didn't want to. I didn't have to talk if I didn't feel like it. Nothing was required of me. Beautiful.

Aaaand, now I'm done.

Just Keep Your Head Up.

What a day.

It's not even over yet and I'm already exhausted.

Let's see... Well first off, I'm not really obeying my "No posting in September" rule.
Rules. My own rule. Whatever.

Last night I was WIRED. I have no idea why I was so energetic but needless to say, I was tired this morning. So instead of waking up in time to take my time getting ready for class, I decided to sleep in. I slept in and talked on the phone till 9:30, thinking to myself, I'll get ready really quickly for my 10 AM class.

Just as I was about to put conditioner in my hair I noticed there was BLOOD COMING OUT OF THE SHOWER HEAD!
Wait, that doesn't happen. Where is this coming from?
And at that moment I realized that my own wishes had betrayed me.

You see, I have always wanted to have a nosebleed solely because I have never had one before. I've seen other people have nosebleeds and always imagined it to be a really cool sensation.

So it's 9:35ish, I have class at 10, I'm already late getting ready, blood is coming out of my nose and is EVERYWHERE, and I have conditioner all over my hands. Great.

WHAT DO I DO?!?! Agfhghghd! I'm gonna DROWN. I know there is something about tilting your head back when you have a bloody nose... but if I do THAT I'm gonna waterboard myself in MY OWN SHOWER! Really great sensation...

So I finished up fast and tried to keep my blood to myself (which didn't work very well).
Just keep your head up, Jo.

As I'm stuffing toilet paper up my nose and cleaning blood out of the bath mats I hear knocking at the front door.
The roofers.
Sigh.
Of course they come TODAY. Sorry roofer guys, you're going to have to deal with me ignoring you for a few minutes because I care more about being on time and fully clothed when I present my greek verse monologue in class today. Maybe they won't realize I'm here... Oh my goodness I'm trying to keep these precious fluids IN my brain and OFF the floor and it's not working!

I look at the time: 9:42.

You can do this. Just get your stuff and try to not look like a mop-head.

I grab my keys, shoes, and hairdryer for a Woman vs. Time showdown.

What time is it? 9:48

Yessss you're not going to be late! Crap. The roofers.

So I walk into the living room and see that the screen door is closed and the solid door is open.
So much for hoping they wouldn't notice I was here.

Me: "I'm guessing you're the roofers?"
Roofer Dude: "Yeah, do you have a broom I can use?"
Me: "Yeah, sorry, hold on a sec."

So I go get the broom and hand it to him

Roofer dude: "Are you getting punched in there?"
Me: "Oh yeah! Yeah..."

Jo, get to class!! Aghh okay!

So I'm driving to class and then it dons on me:
Wow. They probably heard me screaming and stuff. 
They probably thought I was getting murdered! Good job...

I walk into class with a tissue-stuffed nostril and everyone is asking me what happened and if I was okay and at this point I'm just concerned about whether or not I'm going to be able to project without spewing blood everywhere. 

Uh-oh, I hope my professor isn't getting upset with me for being a distraction.

We all warm up as a class and get in our groups to perform our monologues.

"Hello I'm Joanna Price and I will be portraying Medea from Medea by Euripides,
'I have many ways of death which I might suit to them, And do not know, friends, which one to take in hand. Whether to set fire beneath their bridal mansion, Or sharpen a sword and thrust it-"

"Joanna, Joanna, slow down! She is plotting how she is going to KILL! Include us, talk to us about how she is figuring out how she is going to do this!"

Ugh. I really screwed that up. Fine, I'll do better.

So I started over again, I slowed down and it really was much better the second time around but I was still not very happy. Even though she has every right as my professor to interrupt me and correct me, it really didn't feel good to have that happen. Sigh.

After class Luke and I went over to church. He had to work on stuff for his education class and I decided to use this time to cry. To my pastor, Don (I have a feeling you are going to read this, Don, so I'm going to go ahead and apologize for being a blubbering mess all the time). But seriously, Don, is the best:
Encourager
Pastor
Youth minister mentor
Friend

After all of that, Luke and I went driving around the country backroads and found ourselves talking about all sorts of sad things. I cried some more. We talked. He talked. I talked. Laughter was in there too, somehow. 

It was good. 
This day is good... Rather dramatic, but good.

Just keep your head up.

Wake Me Up When September Ends.

It's been a while since I've blogged. (I feel like I always say that.)
Eh, who cares. (Apparently I do.)

September of 2013 is coming to a close and this time every year makes me think of Green Day's song "Wake Me Up When September Ends".
I've found that most of the Septembers have an ever-present theme of change.
Change. School. Relationships. Seasons. Myself.

Wouldn't that be so nice to wake up after the change..

Blagh I don't want to blog right now. Why am I doing this.

I'll make it apart of my Anti-Bucket List to never blog during the month of September.

Sounds good to me :)

Beginning.s.gnidnE.

The beginning of the school year is on the rise and lately I've seen a lot of posts on Facebook that sound like this:
"Today is my last first day of high school."
So to jump on the bandwagon of beginnings and endings, I'd like to say,
"Tomorrow is the first day of my last year as a teenager."

And if I think about it for too long, I start thinking things like,
"There isn't really an 'end' to anything." Which leads to...
"Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another."- Einstein
 I think about this statement/law a lot. Mostly when I'm driving. 
We don't create or destroy. There isn't really anything "original" or "final." Only change. So while firsts and lasts are wonderful to keep track of, and sometimes hard to let go, maybe they aren't as vital as they feel. 

This will be my first time, and my last time, at the SAME TIME, turning 19. 
This will not be my first, or my last time, to wake up and brush my teeth though.
Or eat a meal.
Or blink my eyes.
Or thank God.
Or cry.
Or stub my toe.
Or make my bed.
Or not make my bed.
Or (insert verb here).

Verb: it's what you do!
(Anyone remember that from the Disney Channel?)

I choose to not let my world revolve around what happens to me, but what God does through me.
But my whole point is that God created the world and He will end it in His time. Everything between those two points is just change. One form changing to another form.
The good.
The bad.
The crazy.
The mellow.
The rain. (What's that?)
The sunshine.

Everything has it's season, right? In order for a season to be a season it has to have a pattern. That pattern is change.
Change is the only consistency. 
(Ha, I sound like I actually know what I'm talking about! :P)
 
But in that change, through those seasons, God reigns.
He heals.
He astounds.
He provides.

I have nearly a hundred stories from the past 3 months about how God has provided for:
The people I love
The ministries I'm involved in
Me.

Seriously, it's crae.


Two families I love have been blessed with vehicles in different ways, from the same God.
Erik's aunt went from Stage 4 brain cancer to cancer free in the last couple months. 
The Christian Campus House is getting over $125,000 worth of renovation for about $30,000.
I have a roof over my head and an income to keep it there, provided by God.
And I have a desire to never stop seeing these provisions.

I like beginnings.
I don't like endings.
I have "goodbye" issues. That's why I've been known to not be too fond of my birthday (and by "not too fond" I mean I cry. I cry all day on my birthday.). I have this, "Life can't get any better from this point, so the only place to go is down," mentality. And it's wrong.
It is SO wrong. Good and bad, better/worse, are relative. They are only perceptions based on personal experiences, and considering there are about 8 billion different people with the ability to perceive on the planet at this moment, we don't have a right or wrong answer. We CAN'T have a right or wrong answer to what is good, bad, ugly, fantastic, depressing, etc.


That is (one of the many reasons) why I need Jesus. Because he is the answer. He is the only one who has this whole "Life" thing figured out, because he IS the way, the truth, and the life. It's all done through Him.

So who am I to not praise Him for the "good"?
Or the "bad"?
Or the blah days?
Or the hectic days?
Or the birthdays?
Who am I to not thank Him for the change, for his guidance, for Him?
It's faith. It's "God, I don't see what you see, so I'm going to dedicate my life you to You because you'll use it right."
And He will. So mean it.
He is only good and that's a good enough reason to trust Him.

Tomorrow is the first day of my last year as a teenager.
And I'm glad about it not (just) because my dad won't be able to make teenager jokes anymore, but because it's time.
It's time to be glad.

4 Things I Know.

Proverbs 31:25
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."

I've read this passage many times before and have smiled many times before because of it. Because I have pictured myself as that woman. Strong. Dignified. Worry-free.

I read this passage again this morning and was a little disappointed to find myself not smiling. Not only was I not smiling, but I was really not smiling. More like, frowning. Angry.

"Where did that go?! Why am I not HER anymore?! I feel weak and tired and PATHETIC. I need to stop crying and I need to stop worrying. I want to feel better. Because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!
I am not strong.
I am not dignified.
I am scared."

Good.

Whaa?

Okay, hang with me for a sec. Maybe the past couple weeks haven't felt very good, but I choose to believe this is a good thing. Purposed.
4 things I know:

1. It is not my job to figure out what that purpose is.
It's not my job to "figure" anything out. Why? Because why in the world should I focus so much time and energy on "God, why am I going through this/why is this happening?" when He's already got it figured out? It's like a patient asking their surgeon, "Why did you make THAT incision?"

2. My job is to trust my God.
And why the heck should I not? If you know your surgeon is the best- he has (and always will have) a 100% success rate -the only thing to doubt is the surgery... but if your surgeon is the best... what's the issue?

3. The issue is how it feels.
"I feel sad."
"I feel lonely."
"I feel stressed."
"I feel anxious."
"I feel doomed."

I do believe we need feelings. Feelings and emotions can let us experience so much life and feelings can also be a sign that something is wrong:
ex.) Your hand will feel a burning sensation if exposed to an open flame for too long.
ex.) You will feel angry if you see someone beat a child.

Unfortunately, feelings can be a big ol' target board. Yep! And one of Satan's favorite pastimes is a game of darts. Oh yeah, and he'll play all day with his custom made darts. He's got despair tipped, stress tipped, rage tipped, worry tipped, anxiety tipped, and so many other kinds of darts! He's had a lot of practice and can hit the bulls eye every time.

They. Are. Lies.

When I wake up and I feel like a failure? LIES.

When I feel anxious to the point of nausea? LIES.

When I feel like This. Will. Never. End.       LIES.

I was talking with my mom the other day about it all and she reminded me to proclaim out loud God's truth and that Satan has no authority in my heart and in my mind.
Boom. Call 'em as I see 'em.

4. There is hope.
I was reading in Genesis where Moses gives an account for each day of creation. Over and over again Moses writes,
"And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day."
"And evening passed and morning came, marking the second day."
"And evening passed...
... and morning came, marking the third day."
"And evening passed...
... and morning came, marking..."

Darkness doesn't mark the ending. Anxiety. Sadness. Grief. They don't mark the end.
Light. Only light.


2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Binge.

Well it's been 3 1/2 months since I have seen Erik (in person) and I won't see him for another 10 months minimum. It's time to binge write about it. I've gotta say, Skype is a blessing and a curse. I would much rather have the ability to see him while we talk than not, but sometimes it seems to make his absence ten times worse.

 Fun fact: One of my favorite things Erik does on Skype is pretend to jump through the screen. He'll set it on his desk and run up to/charge at it and then cover the camera so the screen goes black. The black screen is then greeted by my imagination, "Yes it worked! Here's a spot for you on the couch." At least I can pretend, right?

The long distance stuff is really starting to get hard. I can push my pride aside and admit that I truly hate not living in the same place. Even if he was a state or two away, that would be gladly accepted compared to GERMANY. Seriously, Germany? I'm ready to be done with you!

Btw, I would love to see what anyone thinks about this. This lady makes some pretty absolute statements about what women/men want from a relationship.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe6rR-_M1ac

E: ... in the next X weeks.
J: Oh my gosh. You deploy in X weeks.
E: I know. It's right around the corner. *Stands up* I can see it! Right around THAT corner!

Reality: check. I found out in February that he would be deploying this year and it has always felt so far away, but now it's getting really close. There was a possibility of me going to see him this summer (a few entries back I mentioned something about not wanting to jinx some good news from Erik) since his unit was going to go to San Antonio for training before the deployment. Well I'm pretty sure I jinxed it! His unit isn't even going for the training with how little time is left before the deployment.
*Sigh* disappointment.

"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment."
Henry David Thoreau

WARNING: Content below may be hot with sarcasm.

Jo Price, come on down! You are the latest winner of the "Be Careful What You Wish For Campaign"! You won't have to deal with Germany for another X months! Get ready to welcome your X month long intermission from your New Mexico to Germany LDR. Enjoy all the luxuries of your soldier going to war with this new and improved addition to your life. New features including:
- Less communication
- Deeper loneliness
- Worry like never before
- And so much more!
You'll get this fully packaged experience retailing at 272 heartbreaks for FREE!

I promise I don't think I have it worse than anyone else who has experienced their Significant Other be deployed. In fact, I know anyone who has had their actual spouse deployed or who has kids has had worse experiences with deployment than I will experience during this deployment

Pray for him, please. This is not only going to be a strain on him emotionally but spiritually and potentially physically as well. God is going to do amazing things in Erik and through him during this time; he needs all the support he can get.

I can't say specifics on the internet about when or where he's deploying to due to OPSEC, but I can say that it's going to be hot outside while he is there.
Rightly so, let the care package making commence!

(Erik, if you are reading this, this is the part where you should stop reading. :) Thank you!)

(ERIK. STOP. READING.)

I've neglected Pinterest a lot this summer and now I need it. Thank you past and present military S.O.'s for having so many neat and exciting ideas on Pinterest!

>Letters are a must. After I got his mailing address I sent him a letter every day the post office was open while he was in basic training. I'm pretty sure he ended up with 39 letters and 63 pictures from that endeavor.
But now I have lots of creative ideas of "Open when" letters instead of just the "Letters of every day life."

>Pun Gifts. I sent him some of these for Valentines Day such as, "Shell I be your Valentine?" with a shell attached to the note. Cheesy, I know. But he is way cheesier than I am (I love it)!

>Pictures of course! Still debating whether they should be prints or digital copies on a cd. Maybe a mix of both?

>Decorations. Who would have ever thought of actually decorating the INSIDE of the package you're sending? Not I. But it's a fantastic idea!

>I'm still not sure if food is considered contraband during deployment, I'll have to check on that.

This is all the fun stuff that I actually like about LD. Distance means so little when someone means so much. Just gotta take the good with the bad, right?

Humble.

I just got back from taking AMP, my youth group, to junior high church camp at El Porvenir. The week was challenging and wonderful. I felt a little out of my element since I had never been to that camp before but I was definitely willing to make the most of it. The kids totally made it more than worth it- I love them so much. It was too cool to see them truly seeking God and wanting to learn about Him and get to know Him.

The disclaimer here is that this entry is going to be pretty dang long and I'm about to say a lot of true things that (maybe) you:
1) Don't believe in
2) Think is a load of bull
3) Are going to get bored with and stop reading halfway through

During the week we had talked about sin (thumbs down) and how God is so holy that He cannot be in the presence of sin, hence, Jesus coming to pay the price of our sin making the way for us to have a relationship with God (thumbs up).
To be honest, I have been feeling a spiritual block lately. I have felt so alone and weak, like God has been distant from me. I haven't been able to feel His guidance- like I had been left in the dark, which made going to camp even harder for me.
So while we were talking about sin at camp, I started thinking about my own not-so-clean-slate. I started thinking of some things that happened about 5 years ago.

For those of you who knew me back then, you know that I had a fainting condition. You know that I was passing out everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day. You know that I suffered from migraines and body aches that would keep me from getting out of bed for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. If you went to school with me you know that I would be at school one day and then you wouldn't see me again for a week. Maybe I'd be there for 2-5 days and then not for another 2 weeks. This all began when I started going to public school after being home schooled for 8 1/2 years. I started getting headaches and dizzy spells. I would go home in the afternoons because my head hurt so bad. Eventually, the dizzy spells turned into losing vision for a minute or so, everything just fading to black. My mom started to get really concerned and going to the doctor became a regular activity. In fact, going to many cardiologists, neurologists and endocrinologists from the four nearest cities became pretty common too after I told my mom that my losing vision had turned into full on fainting.
I cannot count how many different fainting and migraine medications I was put on; trial-and-error wasn't just a vocabulary term from my science classes anymore.
This all lasted for a year.
One day we went up to ABQ for a tilt table test. Long story short, a tilt table test can last up to 45 minutes. If you faint within the 45 minutes, you suffer from Syncope Episodes (a fancy way a saying "fainting spells").
I fainted at minute 9.
They labeled me with "Extreme Syncope Episodes"
They put me on the right medication and since I had found a working migraine medication, I was golden from there on out.

Fast forward about 5 years.

I'm at camp. We're talking about sin. God is clearing up some blurred lines for me.
Convicting my heart, telling me I need to make things right with the people in my life.

I have been a liar for the past 5 years. But please know that everything I said above about my 8th/9th grade year was and is true, EXCEPT, that during that time I was not actually fainting (except I actually did faint on the tilt table test, which I doesn't really make sense, but it's true). I would come very, very close, sometimes to the point of my hearing started to fade out, but I was NOT actually fainting. I faked many "fainting spells" and after spending too much time in my head, I believed that I actually had fainted in class that day, or I really had fainted in the pool, or I really had fainted at the sleepover. There were times where I would try to sort out real from fake in my head and it was all so confusing that I decided to come to the verdict of "I don't know."

God gave me clarity to see what was actually going on back then. Knowledge is the one gift you can't give back right? So every day that I don't tell the truth to everyone who knows me to be the girl with the fainting problem, is a day where I have been a liar. So here I be, publishing this for the entire WWW to see.

I called my my parents, my sisters, my best friend, and my boyfriend today to tell them all personally how sorry I am for not being truthful and have asked them to forgive me.Which they did (thumbs up).
Nearly all of them asked why I would lie about something like that and the answer is not one I am proud of (which isn't a shocker considering I am not proud about ANY of this).
As twisted as it sounds, I was scared of not being cared about. When I saw how concerned my mom was about me during that time I didn't want to lose that. Ever. I was scared so I felt like the situation needed to intensify so I wouldn't lose that feeling of my mom caring about me so much. I hated it at the same time though. I felt so guilty for worrying my mom so much but I had already built up this elaborate story. It was unthinkable to admit that I had been lying about the fainting.

So I've apologized to my family, but there are countless others I need to apologize to, so if you are one of those who knew me as "the girl who faints" or if you just heard about that story, I am very sorry for lying to you. I know that this "confession" will either point you one of two ways:
1) You'll peg me as a liar and not believe a word I say from here on out
or
2) You'll trust that I am telling the truth from here on out since I just came clean about all of this.
              Honestly, I don't hope for either of those but I am asking for your forgiveness.


"Answer me this: How do you forgive yourself for the things you've done and then forget about it?"
"You don't forget. You forgive yourself and then let it humble you."

On This Day in History.

May 26, 2012

One year ago today-

I graduated from high school
I went to Grace O'Malley's in Ruidoso for lunch
I drove to Portales
                               
May 26, 2013

Today-

I woke up from a deep slumber, exhausted from high school graduation parties the night before
I went to Grace O'Malley's in Ruidoso for lunch
I drove to Portales
                               

I think going to Grace O'Malley's should be a May 26th tradition... Juss sayin'.

Well they say all good things come to an end, and I've gotta say, that's an understatement considering how great the past two weeks have been. Old friends, new memories. Hiking, swimming, bonfires, slack-lining.

Part of me wishes it would never end.
Part of me is more excited for the things to come.
Why exactly can't I have my cake and eat it too?

But here I am! In good ol' Portales, home of the Poor Tails (that was clever in case you didn't catch it... And if you did, well you must go fishing often. "Catch it" get it? Okay I'll stop now). Kaitlin (aka "Future Roommate #1/Best Friend) and I are getting a house together here in July so until then I'll be staying with a lady from my church named Fern. She is so awesome! I hadn't met her before today but still, I just know she's awesome. Wanna know how I know? Well I'm telling you anyway!

So I walk up to the house to meet her and she walks out to meet me right?
- Cute floral top.
- Capris made out the same material of the capris/shorts I always buy.
(I know I sound really shallow right now but I'm not! I promise!)
- Walking outside barefoot. Woman after my own heart...
Then we walk inside
- "Before anything, Jo, while you are here, this is your home. So treat it like your home. Bring your friends over, lounge on the couch, whatever you want to feel at home." Agh. She is so sweet. I wanted to cry.
- She has dogs.
- She said cats smell bad. :) She's great.
- Did I mention that she is a hair dresser?
- We are both the youngests in our families!
- She reminds me of my mamma: Free range duck eggs, cooks with coconut oil, lots of daughters.
- And most of all, she loves Jesus Christ. <3

I could go on forever. The bottom line is that I am so thankful to be able to stay with her. If I knew how hashtags worked I'd do this: #SoBlessed.

So I got all settled in my room and set my pictures frames up on the bedside table: one of my sisters and I, one of Erik and I (don't make fun of me!). Then I went over to the church to work a little more on my soon to be, official office. Now I'm at Burger King (I would be at McDonald's except it's all torn down *insert intense frown*!) using their Wi-Fi. That's the only downside to my living situation, I don't have an internet cable at the moment so until then, no WWW en la casa para yo.

But I don't mind, I truly don't have anything to complain about. Well there is the whole, "I'm so impatient for my awesome summer to really start!!!" but that in itself, is still pretty dang awesome.

Life's good. God is good. God is good even when life isn't. Yep.

Hoarding.

"Hello, my name is Jo, and I am an addict."
*Various voices* "Hi, Jo."

I've started going to a support group for my lack of self control. I never realized it was such a problem til now, but I am seriously too sentimentally attached to. e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I won't throw anything away. It's starting to drive a wedge between my sight and the floor. I never thought it would come to this.
But I am strong.
No, I am not going to let it conquer me. Yes, this is all a lie.

Most of it anyways.

I really do think I'm a little too sentimentally attached to my things- I'm no where near needing a support group though. But how can I throw away relics from my memories?!

I spent nearly 6 hours last night packing/sorting through my belongings at my parents house in order to be "move out"-able. I organized like a champ thanks to Cowboy Up and Spotify.

But my gosh. Where did I get all this stuff?! I save everything! I was having mini heart attacks nearly every ten minutes at the thought of someday having to get rid of my boxes upon boxes of movie tickets, school dance corsages, notes, pebbles (yes, there have been times where I have picked up a pebble from the ground in order to remember the time and place of a special memory), awards, doodles, etc.

At the same time I was having screaming fits because I didn't know what I was going to do with all of it!
My plan is to make a bunch of scrap books full of pictures and souvenirs from my past. But until then... I'm stuck with a bunch of boxes. No.

Treasure chests.

 I just never want to forget. I love my life tremendously and I don't want to let go of any of it!
That's why always cry on my birthday.
Birthdays force you to say goodbye to a wonderful year of your life.

You will never have that year back. 

Poof. It's gone. And you don't even have a choice! 

How awful is that?

I somehow feel like my life is so good that it can't possibly get any better. So when a birthday rolls around I'm like, "Great. The only place to go from here is down." Which isn't true of course, considering every year is better than the last... But that isn't the point. The point is, birthdays force you to say goodbye to something that you may or may not want to say goodbye to. And that sucks.

Excuse my birthday rant. It's just that the emotional turmoil I go through every birthday has brought me to a place of great passion on the subject.

And in case you don't already think I'm bipolar, I'll give you (another) reason:
I can't wait for my birthday this year! 19 is such a simple age! I can't wait to be 19 because there isn't anything special about it. Therefore, everything will be that much more special because of how dull it's thought to supposedly be.
And considering that I said "a surprise" when Erik asked what I wanted for my birthday, I am thoroughly stoked.

My birthday is still a few months away, why am I talking so much about my birthday...
Oh right! Hoarding. Forced goodbyes. Birthdays.

Anyways, I'm just about ready to take on this summer. 5 days then it'll be time to head back to Portales for a crazy-good, 10 week, youth group filled, fun-in-the-sun, God worshiping, SUMMER.

I can't wait to start this internship. I can't wait for God to grow me and the youth I'll be ministering to.

Until then, I'll be spending all the quality time I can get with my friends and family. Oh my gosh, Emily and Brittany are graduating on Saturday. What the crap?! Growing up, I hate it. And love it. Bi-polar, I know. But not really. :)

Post Office.

Well I'm here in Home Sweet Alamo and I am so glad because that means:
1. That this horrifyingly dramatic semester is OVER (Erik moving to Germany, his mom trying to split us up, finding out he's getting deployed, someone else trying to get between Erik and I, and deciding to stay a Theatre major all combined qualify as"horrifyingly dramatic").
2. I get to relive some glory days from high school (some, not all. I would need Miranda Scruggs and Andrew Luna for that). Campfires, games, half-price apps. It's my cup of Jo, if I do say so myself.

Yesterday I went to the post office to send Erik a package and while I was taping the box, an old lady walked past me to leave the store. She turned towards me and said,
"Doesn't that tape sound like someone's throat being cut?"

I didn't know what to do! What do you say to that?!

I just kinda stared at her while she continued in making a sawing motion with her hand back and forth across her throat. 
"Doesn't it? Listen!" she said, to which I replied, "I hope not!" She then smiled and walked off.

Agh. Creepy. My mom told me I should have asked her about her husband. I don't think I would want to know.

Along with creepy ladies at the post office, I dyed my hair gray yesterday. Fun experiment, but it didn't turn out the way I had hoped. So I had another shin-dig with ColorOops hair color remover and called it a day. I'm going to try to leave my hair alone for a little while (fingers crossed).

I might have received some good news from Erik today but I don't want to get my hopes up or risk jinxing it by spilling the beans. Sure enough I'll definitely be writing about it if all goes well!

Another cool thing about today, my German (well now, American) neighbor became a naturalized citizen today! How cool is that?! He's the first person I've heard in a long time to sing, "I'm proud to be an American..." Very refreshing.

I'll leave it short and sweet tonight. Just like my hair as of 2 weeks ago.

Relief.

Tonight has been so wonderful!
I had my last performance of the semester tonight and it was great. I was in one of the pieces which was only about a ten minutes long but it was the first theatrical endeavor my roommate has been on! It was so fun. Very artsy and abstract. After the show I went to the brewery with some friends. That brewery has the best chocolate cupcakes in the world. Stout inspired, dessert mana from heaven.
The night before I was in a dance recital for the dance class I took this semester. That was also really fun (despite my lack of dance talent).
I have had to prepare so many things for this week, being the week before finals, and I am so relieved that the bulk is over and out of the way.
I can't really believe that I am nearly done with my first YEAR of college. What? Where did that go?? This past year has felt like 3 months yet this semester has felt like 5 years. I have learned so much and experienced so much this semester- it's unreal.

MYTHS:
1. "There's something magical about life in college, because it's college." <-- That is false. Life feels pretty normal still.
2. "College students are adults." <-- College is just school you pay for, it doesn't keep immature people out.

TRUTHS:
1. You meet some of the most wonderful people in the world in college.
2. It's okay to let go of your fantastic high school life.

For whatever reason, I have been so concerned about my personality coming off too strong or whatever that I haven't been allowing myself to enjoy college. But something clicked in the last couple weeks, I guess I realized that if you be yourself (truly yourself), someone is bound to accept you. And oftentimes, those "someone's" are much larger in number than you can anticipate.

My favorite line I said tonight was this, "With your lips not here, I kiss rubies to remember. When I can't sip from you, I put my lip to the cup's lip. Instead of reaching into your sky, I kneel and take handfuls of earth." 

Not sure how I feel about not being able to see Erik for nearly a year. I can't wrap my head around it. I'll be kissing rubies for quite some time..

 My favorite quote from one of the pieces tonight was this, "I saw you looking for someone. Cheer up! There's always a glimmer of hope. And if you found them once, they'll come back to you eventually, right?" 

I don't know how true that is, but it sure is a lovely thought. 

Getting Taller.

I just want to be done. I want to fast forward or rewind to "better than right now." Yes, I have seen the movie Click and I understand the repercussions, I'm just done with
this week.
This semester.
This urge to spill my guts about what's going on in my life. This has seriously been one of the most stressful weeks of my life and for what? For me to turn around and pretend like nothing has happened/is happening. I have to find a way to adjust... adapt... acclimate, whatever the right term may be, my emotions and my thought process back to pre-stress.
How do I do that?
For crying out loud, I am persevering through the time it takes to achieve an unknown outcome. All my experience in "persevering" looks like this:
1. Struggle/Issue/Goal
2. Work/Wrestle/Talk it out relentlessly.
3. Clean up the mess.
4. Move on with life = FORGET ABOUT IT.
Ha, funny thing about this time is... I can't. I can't forget about it. I have to live with this.
Well, I guess I don't really... It's just that it isn't resolved. The issue isn't resolved and no matter how much I am willing to participate in resolving it, it's not going to happen. Not for a looong time.
Bad dreams are annoying too.
I know there is nothing to gain by giving in - it just feels lonely. I feel like my defenses are shot and I have nothing left to keep me standing.
But that's where my God comes in. I know He is in this entire situation- just because this situation is affecting me, doesn't make it about me. Lord, bring me rest... I would love for You to come sit on the curb with me for a little while and laugh at how I'm reacting just so I know how small this really is.
So I've decided to stop dwelling on this.  I don't really know how, but that's okay. I know how to keep my mouth shut and I know how to focus. So that's what I'm going to do.
*SIGH*
Growing pains suck.

A Turn In The Road.

So much has happened in this past month so I'm just going to hit the highlights. I have neglected my blog too much, for sure. But it's not entirely my fault.
I had a fresh, new post, ready to jo, two weeks ago but it refused to be published. Quite irritating.
Speaking of irritating, I'm super irritated. Because of this, we are going to start this post off with the stupidest First-World-Problems-Rant of the year. It's probably not "of the year" worthy, but I just want to openly say that I already know this is petty before anyone else thinks it.
Irritated.
First, my laptop battery won't hold a charge.
Then Blogger won't let me post anything.
So I get a new battery and my charge cord breaks.
Facebook won't notify me when I have a message from Erik.
Skype won't let me see him (it's not like he's in Germany or anything).
Get the new charge cord. Of course it stops working after one use.
P.s  my computer crashed right after I finished that last sentence.
Agh...

End rant.

Spring Break Recap-
▶Truck camping with puppy dog and one of my best friends out in the middle of the desert. So stinkin' fun!
▶ Catching up with awesome people who have influenced my life in so many ways.
▶ Helping the ladies and gents from my old youth group prepare their fine arts pieces. Watched them perform at the competition. Decided to stay a theatre major because I'm a performance addict. God's doing, not mine.

San Antonio Trip-
▶ Quality time with momma (spending 15 million hours in a car with someone will typically have that effect).
▶ Got to spend time with my grandma. Even though she doesn't remember who I am, due to dementia, it was great to see her doing so well. The last time I saw her she could hardly talk and this time she could hold a 15 second conversation! Truly amazing.
▶ Erik and I were able to spend a couple hours together on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evening. On Thursday he was promoted after lunch and we spent the rest of day together. We didn't do anything we had planned for our anniversary but I think sitting in the park with my head on his shoulder, talking about life, was better than going to some fancy restaurant. He graduated that Friday and we said goodbye later that night.That was pretty awful. Super awful actually. But now we have some more wonderful memories and more waiting to come.
On the way back to school (if you count Oklahoma being "on the way"), my mom and I stopped by to see a dear, dear friend of mine in texas and one of my sisters and her family in OKC.

April Fools-
Erik and I pretended to break up. Facebook official and everything. Let's just say... I'm still apologizing to my friends and family for such a cruel joke. (It was so worth it though)

Last weekend I went on a Spring Retreat with my college group- wonderful get-a-way in the mountains to have some quality time with Jesus and friends.

So now I'm left with roughly three weeks of school and a super exciting summer plan waiting to be executed.

You are now reading the blog of a Student Ministry Summer Intern!
Ahhhhh!!
So, so, so, so excited.

Learning the ropes of working with youth, growing spiritually, loving life, living for God. I wouldn't want to spend my summer any other way. I've already started brainstorming all sorts of fun ideas for the summer. I can't WAIT. Agh. So excited. God is so good, I have been praying for Him to bring me to a place of major growth, but didn't actually think that such a concrete opportunity would arise. He always seems to sweep me off my feet.

Well, I'm home for the weekend now and, boy, am I in for a laundry/home work packed couple of days. 

Wish me luck.

Sleep well all!

"No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
    My body rests in safety."

Psalm 16:9

Long Lost...

Two dimensional whispers,
Released from my fingers tips.
Thoughts like morning dew, crawling into existence.
Crawling,
Reaching,
Reached.
My confidant,
My digital piece of heaven,
My laptop has returned to me.
Like long lost lovers,
Returning to blissful memories of their youth.

Ha, I'm not dramatic at ALL.

But seriously, I've missed my computer a lot.
And it's back!
Thank you Mother and Father for mailing it (as well as many other cherished possessions) back to my loving arms. Now my mouth can enjoy the comforts of my real toothbrush. The one I don't resent.
By the way, I did buy a toothbrush when I got back to school, but I hated that I had to.

Yesterday would have been the perfect blogging day (if the post office had been open...)
A snow day for Eastern New Mexico University made its way into my reality. A snow day resulting in dramatic movies, tears, laughter, hair dye, and exhaustion for my roommate and myself.
I was doing so good.
And then yesterday I just crashed.
It's been two months since I've seen Erik, well in person, and yesterday, I would have given anything to see him.
Hold his hand. Beg him to stop tickling me. Ask him to do Thor impersonations...
Even just sit next to him.
That would have been fine.
All of my fears and frustrations came crashing down all at once.
I know these days come every once in a while so it's kinda ridiculous how surprising it is every time they make their way right into the middle of my life.
On one hand I'm kinda proud of myself though.
2 months is the longest I've gone without "crashing" before.
It's just an awful feeling- feeling weak and pathetic. Thank God for God.

And so the process starts all over, everyday, surrendering all I have to Jesus.
It's funny how most of the time I feel like I'm surrendering things I don't even "have" (cause I am). It's like He's showing me all of the things He holds in His hands and when I see something I like, I try and take it, but I can't. So, because I can't pick it up "something must be wrong" so I try even harder to take it. Pretty soon I'm obsessed with this one little detail, wanting to take care of it, and I look like a psycho trying to take Excalibur out of the stone and God is like,
"What are you doing? It's fine, Joanna."
"What? No it's not! It's not moving!"
"Dear, I know. Do you really want me to let go of it?"
And that is the moment where I realize just how crazy I am. Also the moment where I am relieved that I am not God and He doesn't give me all that I think I want.
So today I am focused on being content in Jesus- time to count my blessings and breathe.

Blessing #1: I can breathe.

I know it's a little late but in case anyone is still interested to see what I got Erik for Valentine's Day here you go:

1. Open package, select envelop "#1"
2. Open #1, pull out paper hands (my hands)."I wish I could show you in person... but I guess this will have to do. :)"
3. Open hands, "I love you this many and so much MORE!"
4. Select "#2"
5. Open "#2" to find 3 (labeled of course) mini envelops.
6. Envelop #1 "'Shell' I be your Valentine?..." finding inside, a shell.
7. Envelop #2 "... Because it makes 'cents' to me..." finding inside, two pennies.
8. Envelop #3 "... Am I 'write'?" with a (pink, hello valentine's day) pen attached.
9. Then proceed to select box "#3," open,  find a watch!
P.s. I didn't put these instructions in the package, I'm not THAT o.c.d.

I was so glad he liked it, I absolutely love thinking up what to do for these sort of gifts. It's the best when you love to give a gift as much as you love receiving one.

Mission V-Day: Accomplished.

And so, as I close this overly dramatic entry, here is a little foreshadowing of a few upcoming events in my life:
> Getting my hair to the blonde I want it to be.
> My first college spring break.
> Erik's training graduation.

Yeah :)

Weekend Aftermath.

First day back at school (as if I've been gone for sooo long)
and I don't know how I feel about this past weekend.
It was good going home and spending time with my family
(and getting my laundry done without paying $10 in quarters)
but I guess I just wish it could have been more relaxing.
I wanted to crawl up on the couch with my mom and watch movies all weekend and drink coffee. Instead it was a huge therapy session between me and everyone I came in contact with.
At least that's what it felt like.
And it's not such a bad thing, I'm really glad about it actually, just not very relaxing.
And I don't even know why I'm complaining about this because I initiated all of it!
I just crave for my relationships to grow.
I can't stand the stand-still feeling which comes out of relationships that aren't being propelled.
I will work and work until I feel like my relationships are spinning in the direction they should be.
It was a couple hours before heading back to school that I just fell on the couch and said to my mom, "This is one of those times where I don't know if I'm ahead of the game, need to catch up, or even know what I'm talking about."
I think it's okay though.
God's grace is enough and His promises are true, so even if I am a little crazy, I know He's got me covered.
Speaking of which, it was absolutely great to go to church this past Sunday and worship while my old youth group's worship leader led worship ( ha that was kind of confusing).
When he leads worship, even though I'm in a room with hundreds of people and distractions, I can truly come to a place of just me and God.
And he is the only worship leader I've experienced that with.
God has made him incredible- incredible for His glory.

I cried during worship. All the songs were about fear and I just lost it.
I was telling God how I don't understand why I deal with fear now and never before.
And I kind of just had this "how is it that simple?" moment when He said,
"You've never had anything to lose before."
Ahhh God, You... You know me, much better than I know myself.
Everything, everyday- it's a constant and consistent surrender.
Kelly Clarkson sings these lyrics, "catching my breath, letting it go," and that's exactly how I feel about... this life, I guess.
All the good things, the bad, the eh, the yes, the no- they are all experiences that we catch, that we breathe in, and they are all things to let go.
Nothing is forever except our relationship with God.
That felt good to get out.

What doesn't feel good is how upset I am for leaving so many things at my parents house including:
>My laptop (its not like I have a paper due next week or the first test for my online class... due tonight... nothing like that of course)
>My TOOTHBRUSH! Erg I do that EVERY time.
>My hairbrush, mousse, heat tamer, pair of jeans etc.

Its not that big of a deal I just annoy myself by doing that kind of stuff.
Gosh why can't I remember my stupid toothbrush!?!
I don't mean that... my toothbrush is not stupid. Sorry toothbrush.
I just would think that I would remember to pack the product I use EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Blah.
Not to mention I feel bad that my parents have to mail it to me.
I feel really bad about that.
At least it'll be exciting when the mail comes!
Like Christmas, but without the whole "importance to my salvation" thing going on.

Speaking of the mail, it's Valentine's Day!
Erik's gift arrived and after convincing the lady at the post office that it was not a mistake that the package wouldn't have my name on it
(when Erik ordered it he sent it to my address but with his name lol)
and after convincing Skype to let me see my boyfriend, Erik and I enjoyed a nice little Valentine's day.
I am so happy that he liked what I got/made for him!
I'll include it in my next post (when my laptop is returned to its rightful place).
And I, of course, LOVE what he got me!
A new Pandora charm for my bracelet.
But not just any charm, it's a mini Colosseum!

#52 on our bucket list is to go to Italy and my little charm tells me that we are one step closer.
I love it.
Apparently there is more Valentine's gift waiting for me when I go to his training graduation.
(So excited to see him!)
Of course when he told me that, I said that the rest of my gift was him (duuuh) but I'm thinking it's actually a necklace.
I guess we'll see if I'm right soon enough!

Well that's all I have to unload right now.
That's probably a good thing. ;)

Valentine's2013

I knew waking up today, that this would be a day for the record books, and it was, just not the way I expected.
It never is.

My roommate and I woke up at 7 am, exercised, got ready for the day, and did our devotionals.
We were at McDonald's the other night and saw a mom and her son walk in with ashes on their foreheads.
"Is it Ash-Wednesday?"
So we decided that, even though we aren't Catholic, it'd be fun/interesting/good to give something up for lent. But we didn't want it to be like,
"Uh, du-yeah, I'll give up.... COKE."
While we both have a couple of differences in the additional things we are giving up, we both are giving up make up. So getting up this morning and taking care of ourselves (physically and spiritually) was a really great feeling.
It's the awe(all) nat-too-ral(natural) Jo and Roommie lent.

Another good feeling is finding out you were one of the few students to ace the Psychology test.
Another good feeling is laps in the pool after lunch.
Another good feeling going to dance practice and seeing progress.
Another good feeling is cookies and cream ice cream followed by a Skype date with the my Erik.
It's always nice to talk to that one person in the world who you just completely click with. I loved spending Valentine's day with/not so with my soldier.

I am a lucky gal.

Plus, last semester I was able to Skype with him... 1 time I think.

But THIS semester I've gotten like 4-5 dates! #spoiled
It's crazy to think he'll be done with medic training in about a month. 

Which ALSO means I get to see him in about a month!!!
We are over past the middle point, which is a relief, I've got 45 days behind me and 34 to go. 

Speaking of which, I've been dying to confess my guilty pleasure, so now that I'm thinking of it, I'll just go ahead.
I'm addicted to a deployment support page on facebook- I probably shouldn't be, buuuuut I am.
"Deployment: One day at a time"

It's not just about deployment either, there have been posts about good sweet tea recipes and asking about connecting/finding military friends near their new station. It's so supportive and encouraging and family-like.
I absolutely LOVE reading all (and by "all" I mean the 40 posts they make everyday) the stories and questions that these military relationships face, because not only can I (in my small amount of military relationship experience) relate to what these women are talking about, but it's really wonderful to know ahead of time the kinds of circumstances I may be faced with. 

Sometimes there are snarky remarks made by some of the women who think everyone in the world should be an insensitive jerk to prove they don't need anyone, but they are quickly shot down for being rude. Why are they looking at a support page anyway if they can do it all on their own? Beats me, but I'm glad I stumbled across the page.

Duh, of course I am, I'm addicted remember?

Anywho, 

the rest of my evening included finishing up a math presentation, wondering why I'm not an art major, and watching Jim Gaffigan with one of my best friends.

I can't wait for tomorrow already.

Which reminds me of one of Jim Gaffifan's jokes about kids not wanting to go to bed. He talks about how when you tell kids that it's time to go to bed they say, 

"Bed? What's that? Oh nooo, I don't wanna do that..."
I remember feeling like that as a kid because being awake is so much fun.
You know you're life is pretty wonderful if 

A. You don't want to go to sleep because you don't want to miss out on anything

  or

B. You can't wait to fall asleep because you can't wait to live tomorrow.

Well Goodnight all,

Happy Valentine's Day 2013

"In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation (to appease) for our sins." 1 John 4:10

A Kink In The Road. 2/13/13

Yesterday, I decided to call up the renters to confirm our meeting today:
>"Are we still on for meeting tomorrow?"
"Um no, I rented out the house this weekend."
???
>"Oh, okay."
"Sorry, I didn't have your number so I couldn't tell you."
What? Yes you have my number! AND my email!
Thank you Jesus for saving us from those renters!
I just think that is so bizarre. I'm still in awe. I can't believe she didn't let us know.
I guess she figured taking the listing off of craigslist would be good enough.
So much for "feeling" like that was the house.
Oh well, God has something else in store. Just gotta be prepared for it :)

On to other houses!
Future roommate #1 and I looked at a different house this morning.
It was... not for us.
I think we'll just wait until it gets closer to summer to look for houses.
That way we won't have the hassle of trying to convince renters to hold the properties for us.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow- well, for most of the world.
I've been checking my mail like a mad woman and still nothing from Erik.
I felt really weird about it because I sent his gift the day after he sent mine and he got it on Monday.
Turns out they canceled his order because of an issue with some military address thing.
Everything is squared away though and it should be here Monday!
Poor guy, he's dying with curiosity, I would be too if I had possession of a present from him for a week before I could open it!
At least I don't have to! (hehe)

I can't wait to go home this weekend. I've missed my mom and dad.
I've missed my other family too, but there's nothing like Mama and Daddy.
It's going to be a long trip though.
I have a play that I'm in on Friday night and I might not make it home til 2-3am.
That's okay though, that's what three day weekends are for!
Besides, it's home- home is so worth it. It's funny because while everyone else couldn't wait to graduate my senior year, I knew I was going to miss Alamo. I knew it had become my home and despite the rough start, my adolescence was amazing- I don't think I could have grown in the ways I did anywhere else, with anyone else. God knew what he was doing when He brought me to "the desert."
Ahh nostalgia is wonderful, I'm addicted to memories.

Memory of the day:

Our sort of "Lunchteam!"
Grover and Ming Ming are some of my best friends from high school. It's crazy how God transformed Grover's life in such a short amount of time and how close of friends we all became. (That wasn't a short joke I promise).
We took this picture with Ming Ming (in spirit), he's holding her Swedish Fish. We three were the lunch team in Alamo. I'll never forget the time Taco Bell forgot his food. We got back to the high school and he just sat there while Ming Ming and I ate. Even though I laughed, I really did feel bad.
I miss you guys so much. We'll be a lunch team again someday, promise.

"And the Holy Spirit descended upon Him in bodily form like a dove, and a voice came out of heaven, 'You are My beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased.' " Luke 3:22

Major Issues.

I have major issues.
Literally.
As in, I have no idea what I want to major in. Well actually, that's a lie, I have an IDEA, but that's pretty much it. I started out as a Theatre major - ha that was smart, jumping into something that I don't know anything about - I just don't think it's right for me.
I want to go to school and learn about something I really believe in, that I think is important and valuable in life and living with others.
I just want to pick something and stick with it.
I've thought about psychology, art, film making, communicablahgii...bllkjdha, kisdholskjhduheljfgl.....
Blah! I don't know.

There are days when I think to myself, "Wow, I really do belong in theatre." But then I get into it and I'm totally set back because I don't believe in it. I don't think theatre is a vital part of who I am or what I want to use in order to channel greatness into the world. I just think it's fun.
Fun.
Simple as that.
It's so appealing because it's fun and there is always a different story and a different character. It's always moving and changing. But it's NOT. It's hard to have fun and be creative the way someone else wants you to be creative. That's stupid.
I haven't found my niche- the art that is totally me.
I want to find that niche so bad.
The thing that I live to do, create, breathe in, exhale out.
The thing that when people look at me, they think, "She is perfect for that."
The thing that when I look at myself, I think, "I am perfect for this."
The thing that is exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.
The thing that I work so hard to do because I was made for it.
One thing I know, being creative breeds creativity.
During my senior year of high school I produced more original paintings than I had collectively over my entire lifetime. And it was incredible. I felt amazing because the more I painted the more I wanted to paint. I had the freedom and drive to paint and experiment with different styles and methods.
Anyways, my point is this:
The more I painted the more I wondered about different things I could do.
"Being creative breeds creativity."
I feel like if acting or painting was important enough to me, and I wanted to invest myself in it, I could be really good.
But it's not.
And the possibility of being really good at something isn't a good enough reason for me to spend thousands of dollars to be educated for it.
I really want that passion.
So I've been thinking of some ways to exercise my creative side in the meantime

Project Creative:
1. Short films! I totally forgot that I can check out really nice cameras to make shorts with! So I'll definitely be doing that in the near future.
2. Creative writing. Short stories, poems, maybe I'll even make a blog ;)
3. Photography. Yes, I am going to be like every other girl on the internet who thinks she can be a photographer. Pictures are just so great!
-Unfortunately, I don't have the money to go buy art supplies so this is the end of my creative list so far. I would love to hear your ideas as well!

Update on the house:
My friend popped up on fb the other day and said that the renters took the listing off of craigslist.
YAY!!!
Well, maybe.
That could mean one of two things:
1. They went ahead and rented it to someone else
    or
2. They are planning on us taking the house.
It's crazy because earlier that day, before my friend told me about the listing, I was telling my mom that I think the renters are planning on renting the house to us, and how even though I didn't really have any concrete experience/conversation, that has been my impression. After all, we still have a meeting with them on Wednesday. I would think that if they rented the house to someone else already, they would cancel the meeting.Who knows what could happen, I'm excited though!


Also,
I know some of the best people in the world.
And if you haven't seen this video, my gosh, please watch it. It's incredibly beautiful.

Plural this, plural that.

Thoughts:
   > Goals
  > Valentine's
 > Houses

   > "Why did we do that?"
That's pretty much guaranteed to be heard every morning from either my roommate or myself. Staying up til 1... 2... 3 in the morning on Pinterest and watching stand up comedy with my roommate has become a favorite college pastime of mine, unfortunately.
I feel inclined to say "unfortunately" because of the lovely zombie appearance I attain from the activity. I seriously need to get back on track:
Set some boundaries? Change my routine? Yoga??
I wonder if there are pills to reduce compulsive impulses...
Sigh.
I think I just need to start going to bed earlier... without my laptop. Aaand start waking up before the fifth snooze button.
Tonight's goal is 11 pm.
Tomorrow mornings goal? 7 am.
It's a pretty optimistic goal.
Challenge accepted.

  > On a more exciting note, Valentine's Day is in exactly one week!
Did I really just promote Valentine's Day?
Yes, yes I did!
Even though I do feel a little self-betrayal, I admit, I am MORE than excited for St. Valentine's Day 2013.
I've always been dead set against the "holiday" 
 (except in 2009, but that was more of a prank/gag gift anyways)
but this is my first real Valentine's!
Since Erik is still in AIT, we'll be sending our gifts via mail and opening them together over Skype. Hopefully our packages reach their final destinations by the 14th, if not, we'll have our own Valentine's Day and be cooler than the rest of the world. I can't wait to say what I got him (and post pictures)! I feel silly being so giddy about this, but I can't help it. Plus, I have no clue what he got me! I've always been able to guess (or at least have a really solid idea) about the gifts or surprises he's planned, but this time, I have a small hunch.
A SMALL hunch.
Agh. I'm so excited. I really couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.
Erik is amazing.

 >  So there's this house... and I really, really want it!
This house is super adorable and just right for my future three roommates and I to live in. I found it a couple weeks ago while browsing online for places to move into this summer. I emailed the renter to ask about a tour and to see where she stands on holding her houses.
Of course, she rents on a "first come, first serve" basis. I don't blame her for that, I realize that is a source of her income, but.
Ugh.
No, Jo.
No "but."
I feel really drawn to this house, I saw plenty of other homes that would work just fine - homes that are newer, have just as much room, some even cost less. I just really feel like this is supposed to be the house. The house has been on the market for 7 days now and since June is the earliest possible time I/my roommates could move in, "first come, first serve" scares me. I just gotta trust God. He cares more for me and than I do.
Future roommate #1 and I went and toured the house- we fell in love. I just cannot tell you how perfect this house is. It's not the nicest house, it's pretty old actually (pretty old as in 80% of the house has wood paneling). But nothing beats the charm of window seats, lantern-like light fixtures in the laundry room (accompanied by purple tile on the walls and a blue&white toilet), the built-in bread box in the kitchen cabinets- the list goes on.
We prayed about it while we were there and asked that if this was our house, that God would make a way and that the renters would be people of character. Right after that, the renter's husband (his wife couldn't be there so she sent him to open the house for us) tells us not to rush into making a decision about the house.
What?
God?
"If you guys want, I can leave you a key and you can come by later to see it."
What?
God??
Also, he had said previously that he was the repairman for the house and we would just need to put a piece of painters tape on the things we wanted fixed and he'd take care of it before we moved in (in the case that we do move in...).
What?
God???
I am totally wowed. Extremely wowed.
We set up an appointment to talk about more details with the renter next Wednesday. I am psyched! "God if this is our house, make a way."
p.s. Future roommates #2 and #3 love the house too. #2 hasn't seen it in person (yet) but loved the videos we sent her.

I don't really know what to do with myself right now. I am content though, everything seems to be slipping in its right place. Or maybe everything has been in it's right place (probably, yes) and I'm coming around to accepting where God has brought me. Either way, it's a never ending process.
Discontent, content, discontent, content. I like content. I'll stay here for a while, I think.

Goodnight!
Oh by the way, I revised my previous goal from 11 pm to 12 am.
Soooo technically I succeeded!
And am 10 minutes early. Boo-yah.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:43-45

I did it!

Well, I finally did it.
I made my first blog!
And I use the term "first" very loosely. Actually, I stayed up til 3 am and created three blog accounts last night. The creation of each account was immediately followed with the deletion of each account. I think I have some weird commitment issue with blog accounts (especially since I secretly have wanted to have a blog for a few years now).
But this is it! I have put my foot down and will soon publish this, my first post (that is, if I don't delete the account before I'm finished).

I'm not really sure what else to write now. All the blogs I've read have a purpose and their introductory post explains why they start blogging, who their target audience is, and their hopes for making a difference. I'm just not that cool, I guess (either that, or I'm lazy and self-centered). I think I'll just write whatever is on my mind.
Any objections?
No?
Really?
Good!
Because "there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
In case you didn't catch the above reference:


I hope everyone has had a wonderful day, I know I have even despite my lack of sleep.
"He who pursues righteousness and loyalty Finds life, righteousness and honor." Proverbs 21:21