My Best Guess.

'Tis the New Year. The year of 2014- and it's gonna be a good one.

I am truly relieved to say that I have seen the year of two thousand and thirteen come to pass.
2013 has bee-
Was.
It was exactly what it should have been. It was a hard one, though. 2013 was a year of, what felt like, constant change. When the change came I was excited and I believed that it was good, but change is still change; and no one ever changes perfectly.

Unless you're like a butterfly or something.

I resisted a lot last year.
I accepted a lot last year.
I stumbled a lot last year.
I laughed a lot last year.
I thought a lot last year.
I blogged, not a lot, but I blogged last year.
I experienced so many wonderful and very trying things last year.

I can recall doing the right thing and I can see where I did the wrong thing. Lots of times, for both of those.

What I notice most about this year is that it has produced in me a stronger desire to do the right thing. Not because:
"it's the right thing to do"
"The Bible told me to"
"well crap hit the fan the last time I didn't"

Doing the right thing isn't so much about the action as it is about the heart.
And not necessarily my heart.

Doing the right thing. Man, I can read that, I can write it, I can say it, I can hear it in my head with a million different voices.
It can sound like my mom paired with a lecture about cleaning my room.
It can sound like a friend affirming me in a decision I've made.
It can feel like a breeze sweeping across a hillside.
It can also bring the weight of chains locked around my wrists and ankles.
Whatever tone it has, it's a definite one.

I remember talking with a friend this semester about why we should "do the right thing" and the big dead end was:
Because it's what God wants us to do.

Why would God want us to do the "right thing" just because that's what He wants us to do?
Hmm?
It's not like we're in God's huge Zoo Tycoon game where He puts the zebras in the lion exhibit just because He can and wants to see the zebras get devoured. (You know you did it too.)
The opposite is true as well. God doesn't place the zebras in the lion exhibit because He wants to see whether or not the lions "do the right thing".
He doesn't just want us to do the right thing because He can and wants to see us painfully resist what we naturally/sinfully desire to have and do.
I think that's how we - modern day Christians - have come to see Him though.
"God just wants me to (insert whatever God wants/what you THINK God wants you to do) because He said so."
"God knows I'm gonna fail so that's OBVIOUSLY why He wants me to.."
"God is boring and just wants me to be miserable"

Okay, so maybe we don't consciously think those things, but maybe we do. Maybe they aren't quite phrased that way.

Just a month or so ago I was sitting in church and I was thinking about some things that had happened throughout the year and I started to get a little misty eyed.
"God, I feel like You put me through these things because You know I'll just take it."
And clear as day, He spoke to my heart,
"Joanna, all I want is for you to give them to me."

Oof.

I then let out a "I'm so silly" laugh which I'm sure He smiled at.
"How many times am I going to have to learn this lesson," I wondered as I shook my head.

To give it to Him.
That's all I have to do. That's all He wants from us- from me. He wants there to be nothing holding us back from Him. So if that means He's gotta hold my best friend from 1998,
and that heartbreak from 2009,
and the move in 2005,
and names they called you,
and the hurt you caused,
and the anger
the fear,
the pain,
the hopelessness and the loneliness,
the weariness,
if He's gotta hold all that so you can let Him in…
Then give it to Him.
He doesn't want us to "just take it" just like He doesn't want us "to just do the right thing" for the sake of doing the right thing.
He wants to be close to us; as close as He can get.
I want that too, I want to be closer than I could possibly imagine to Him, the God of all creation.

So that's my best guess.
Why does He want me "to do the right thing"?
Because doing the right thing is choosing Him. When I'm choosing Him I'm learning His character, I'm putting on His righteousness- I am giving Him all I've got and drawing close to Him.

"I want to spend my time; really spend it, not just wait for it to pass by. I want to look back on my life one day and be able to say, 'I have nothing left to give' because I gave my everything."
That's what I told Kaitlin a few weeks ago.
That's what I can do through Christ.

Poof.

Blog. Oh, Blog. I don't know what to do with you.

I haven't written anything in so long.

Just thinking about writing, recording, memorizing... It's exhausting.

September.

Erik and I broke up.

I feel like saying that the details are irrelevant. Which they kind of are..

Blagh.

We broke up. I broke up with him. 

I love him and so many things about him.

He's got a heart of gold and really great dreams;

I just wasn't going to marry him.

The people we are right now aren't the right people to get married to one another. 

And that's what it came down to.

October. 

AMP has grown so much! And holy cow, they are so much fun. It's fantastic- we have small groups now in AMP (which is Sunday night youth group for high school and middle schoolers) now as well as a bible study on Wednesdays (just for high school) called Amplified. The structure is slowly becoming established and that makes me feel really good. God is amazing. I couldn't handle school and this ministry by myself (and I'm not supposed to). I've really had to step out of my comfort zone of "I only do things I'm good at" and trust Him to develop this passing time into useful, growing substance.

November.

I just got back from the Spectrum Retreat this weekend. 

I.

Am.

Tired.

(I don't want to do astronomy homework...)

It was so good though. So, so very good.

I really needed that weekend getaway. 

It was nice to be able to go to the mountains for a few days and not have to think about responsibilities or making plans. I didn't have to smile if I didn't want to. I didn't have to talk if I didn't feel like it. Nothing was required of me. Beautiful.

Aaaand, now I'm done.

Just Keep Your Head Up.

What a day.

It's not even over yet and I'm already exhausted.

Let's see... Well first off, I'm not really obeying my "No posting in September" rule.
Rules. My own rule. Whatever.

Last night I was WIRED. I have no idea why I was so energetic but needless to say, I was tired this morning. So instead of waking up in time to take my time getting ready for class, I decided to sleep in. I slept in and talked on the phone till 9:30, thinking to myself, I'll get ready really quickly for my 10 AM class.

Just as I was about to put conditioner in my hair I noticed there was BLOOD COMING OUT OF THE SHOWER HEAD!
Wait, that doesn't happen. Where is this coming from?
And at that moment I realized that my own wishes had betrayed me.

You see, I have always wanted to have a nosebleed solely because I have never had one before. I've seen other people have nosebleeds and always imagined it to be a really cool sensation.

So it's 9:35ish, I have class at 10, I'm already late getting ready, blood is coming out of my nose and is EVERYWHERE, and I have conditioner all over my hands. Great.

WHAT DO I DO?!?! Agfhghghd! I'm gonna DROWN. I know there is something about tilting your head back when you have a bloody nose... but if I do THAT I'm gonna waterboard myself in MY OWN SHOWER! Really great sensation...

So I finished up fast and tried to keep my blood to myself (which didn't work very well).
Just keep your head up, Jo.

As I'm stuffing toilet paper up my nose and cleaning blood out of the bath mats I hear knocking at the front door.
The roofers.
Sigh.
Of course they come TODAY. Sorry roofer guys, you're going to have to deal with me ignoring you for a few minutes because I care more about being on time and fully clothed when I present my greek verse monologue in class today. Maybe they won't realize I'm here... Oh my goodness I'm trying to keep these precious fluids IN my brain and OFF the floor and it's not working!

I look at the time: 9:42.

You can do this. Just get your stuff and try to not look like a mop-head.

I grab my keys, shoes, and hairdryer for a Woman vs. Time showdown.

What time is it? 9:48

Yessss you're not going to be late! Crap. The roofers.

So I walk into the living room and see that the screen door is closed and the solid door is open.
So much for hoping they wouldn't notice I was here.

Me: "I'm guessing you're the roofers?"
Roofer Dude: "Yeah, do you have a broom I can use?"
Me: "Yeah, sorry, hold on a sec."

So I go get the broom and hand it to him

Roofer dude: "Are you getting punched in there?"
Me: "Oh yeah! Yeah..."

Jo, get to class!! Aghh okay!

So I'm driving to class and then it dons on me:
Wow. They probably heard me screaming and stuff. 
They probably thought I was getting murdered! Good job...

I walk into class with a tissue-stuffed nostril and everyone is asking me what happened and if I was okay and at this point I'm just concerned about whether or not I'm going to be able to project without spewing blood everywhere. 

Uh-oh, I hope my professor isn't getting upset with me for being a distraction.

We all warm up as a class and get in our groups to perform our monologues.

"Hello I'm Joanna Price and I will be portraying Medea from Medea by Euripides,
'I have many ways of death which I might suit to them, And do not know, friends, which one to take in hand. Whether to set fire beneath their bridal mansion, Or sharpen a sword and thrust it-"

"Joanna, Joanna, slow down! She is plotting how she is going to KILL! Include us, talk to us about how she is figuring out how she is going to do this!"

Ugh. I really screwed that up. Fine, I'll do better.

So I started over again, I slowed down and it really was much better the second time around but I was still not very happy. Even though she has every right as my professor to interrupt me and correct me, it really didn't feel good to have that happen. Sigh.

After class Luke and I went over to church. He had to work on stuff for his education class and I decided to use this time to cry. To my pastor, Don (I have a feeling you are going to read this, Don, so I'm going to go ahead and apologize for being a blubbering mess all the time). But seriously, Don, is the best:
Encourager
Pastor
Youth minister mentor
Friend

After all of that, Luke and I went driving around the country backroads and found ourselves talking about all sorts of sad things. I cried some more. We talked. He talked. I talked. Laughter was in there too, somehow. 

It was good. 
This day is good... Rather dramatic, but good.

Just keep your head up.

Wake Me Up When September Ends.

It's been a while since I've blogged. (I feel like I always say that.)
Eh, who cares. (Apparently I do.)

September of 2013 is coming to a close and this time every year makes me think of Green Day's song "Wake Me Up When September Ends".
I've found that most of the Septembers have an ever-present theme of change.
Change. School. Relationships. Seasons. Myself.

Wouldn't that be so nice to wake up after the change..

Blagh I don't want to blog right now. Why am I doing this.

I'll make it apart of my Anti-Bucket List to never blog during the month of September.

Sounds good to me :)

Beginning.s.gnidnE.

The beginning of the school year is on the rise and lately I've seen a lot of posts on Facebook that sound like this:
"Today is my last first day of high school."
So to jump on the bandwagon of beginnings and endings, I'd like to say,
"Tomorrow is the first day of my last year as a teenager."

And if I think about it for too long, I start thinking things like,
"There isn't really an 'end' to anything." Which leads to...
"Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another."- Einstein
 I think about this statement/law a lot. Mostly when I'm driving. 
We don't create or destroy. There isn't really anything "original" or "final." Only change. So while firsts and lasts are wonderful to keep track of, and sometimes hard to let go, maybe they aren't as vital as they feel. 

This will be my first time, and my last time, at the SAME TIME, turning 19. 
This will not be my first, or my last time, to wake up and brush my teeth though.
Or eat a meal.
Or blink my eyes.
Or thank God.
Or cry.
Or stub my toe.
Or make my bed.
Or not make my bed.
Or (insert verb here).

Verb: it's what you do!
(Anyone remember that from the Disney Channel?)

I choose to not let my world revolve around what happens to me, but what God does through me.
But my whole point is that God created the world and He will end it in His time. Everything between those two points is just change. One form changing to another form.
The good.
The bad.
The crazy.
The mellow.
The rain. (What's that?)
The sunshine.

Everything has it's season, right? In order for a season to be a season it has to have a pattern. That pattern is change.
Change is the only consistency. 
(Ha, I sound like I actually know what I'm talking about! :P)
 
But in that change, through those seasons, God reigns.
He heals.
He astounds.
He provides.

I have nearly a hundred stories from the past 3 months about how God has provided for:
The people I love
The ministries I'm involved in
Me.

Seriously, it's crae.


Two families I love have been blessed with vehicles in different ways, from the same God.
Erik's aunt went from Stage 4 brain cancer to cancer free in the last couple months. 
The Christian Campus House is getting over $125,000 worth of renovation for about $30,000.
I have a roof over my head and an income to keep it there, provided by God.
And I have a desire to never stop seeing these provisions.

I like beginnings.
I don't like endings.
I have "goodbye" issues. That's why I've been known to not be too fond of my birthday (and by "not too fond" I mean I cry. I cry all day on my birthday.). I have this, "Life can't get any better from this point, so the only place to go is down," mentality. And it's wrong.
It is SO wrong. Good and bad, better/worse, are relative. They are only perceptions based on personal experiences, and considering there are about 8 billion different people with the ability to perceive on the planet at this moment, we don't have a right or wrong answer. We CAN'T have a right or wrong answer to what is good, bad, ugly, fantastic, depressing, etc.


That is (one of the many reasons) why I need Jesus. Because he is the answer. He is the only one who has this whole "Life" thing figured out, because he IS the way, the truth, and the life. It's all done through Him.

So who am I to not praise Him for the "good"?
Or the "bad"?
Or the blah days?
Or the hectic days?
Or the birthdays?
Who am I to not thank Him for the change, for his guidance, for Him?
It's faith. It's "God, I don't see what you see, so I'm going to dedicate my life you to You because you'll use it right."
And He will. So mean it.
He is only good and that's a good enough reason to trust Him.

Tomorrow is the first day of my last year as a teenager.
And I'm glad about it not (just) because my dad won't be able to make teenager jokes anymore, but because it's time.
It's time to be glad.

4 Things I Know.

Proverbs 31:25
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."

I've read this passage many times before and have smiled many times before because of it. Because I have pictured myself as that woman. Strong. Dignified. Worry-free.

I read this passage again this morning and was a little disappointed to find myself not smiling. Not only was I not smiling, but I was really not smiling. More like, frowning. Angry.

"Where did that go?! Why am I not HER anymore?! I feel weak and tired and PATHETIC. I need to stop crying and I need to stop worrying. I want to feel better. Because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!
I am not strong.
I am not dignified.
I am scared."

Good.

Whaa?

Okay, hang with me for a sec. Maybe the past couple weeks haven't felt very good, but I choose to believe this is a good thing. Purposed.
4 things I know:

1. It is not my job to figure out what that purpose is.
It's not my job to "figure" anything out. Why? Because why in the world should I focus so much time and energy on "God, why am I going through this/why is this happening?" when He's already got it figured out? It's like a patient asking their surgeon, "Why did you make THAT incision?"

2. My job is to trust my God.
And why the heck should I not? If you know your surgeon is the best- he has (and always will have) a 100% success rate -the only thing to doubt is the surgery... but if your surgeon is the best... what's the issue?

3. The issue is how it feels.
"I feel sad."
"I feel lonely."
"I feel stressed."
"I feel anxious."
"I feel doomed."

I do believe we need feelings. Feelings and emotions can let us experience so much life and feelings can also be a sign that something is wrong:
ex.) Your hand will feel a burning sensation if exposed to an open flame for too long.
ex.) You will feel angry if you see someone beat a child.

Unfortunately, feelings can be a big ol' target board. Yep! And one of Satan's favorite pastimes is a game of darts. Oh yeah, and he'll play all day with his custom made darts. He's got despair tipped, stress tipped, rage tipped, worry tipped, anxiety tipped, and so many other kinds of darts! He's had a lot of practice and can hit the bulls eye every time.

They. Are. Lies.

When I wake up and I feel like a failure? LIES.

When I feel anxious to the point of nausea? LIES.

When I feel like This. Will. Never. End.       LIES.

I was talking with my mom the other day about it all and she reminded me to proclaim out loud God's truth and that Satan has no authority in my heart and in my mind.
Boom. Call 'em as I see 'em.

4. There is hope.
I was reading in Genesis where Moses gives an account for each day of creation. Over and over again Moses writes,
"And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day."
"And evening passed and morning came, marking the second day."
"And evening passed...
... and morning came, marking the third day."
"And evening passed...
... and morning came, marking..."

Darkness doesn't mark the ending. Anxiety. Sadness. Grief. They don't mark the end.
Light. Only light.


2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Binge.

Well it's been 3 1/2 months since I have seen Erik (in person) and I won't see him for another 10 months minimum. It's time to binge write about it. I've gotta say, Skype is a blessing and a curse. I would much rather have the ability to see him while we talk than not, but sometimes it seems to make his absence ten times worse.

 Fun fact: One of my favorite things Erik does on Skype is pretend to jump through the screen. He'll set it on his desk and run up to/charge at it and then cover the camera so the screen goes black. The black screen is then greeted by my imagination, "Yes it worked! Here's a spot for you on the couch." At least I can pretend, right?

The long distance stuff is really starting to get hard. I can push my pride aside and admit that I truly hate not living in the same place. Even if he was a state or two away, that would be gladly accepted compared to GERMANY. Seriously, Germany? I'm ready to be done with you!

Btw, I would love to see what anyone thinks about this. This lady makes some pretty absolute statements about what women/men want from a relationship.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe6rR-_M1ac

E: ... in the next X weeks.
J: Oh my gosh. You deploy in X weeks.
E: I know. It's right around the corner. *Stands up* I can see it! Right around THAT corner!

Reality: check. I found out in February that he would be deploying this year and it has always felt so far away, but now it's getting really close. There was a possibility of me going to see him this summer (a few entries back I mentioned something about not wanting to jinx some good news from Erik) since his unit was going to go to San Antonio for training before the deployment. Well I'm pretty sure I jinxed it! His unit isn't even going for the training with how little time is left before the deployment.
*Sigh* disappointment.

"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment."
Henry David Thoreau

WARNING: Content below may be hot with sarcasm.

Jo Price, come on down! You are the latest winner of the "Be Careful What You Wish For Campaign"! You won't have to deal with Germany for another X months! Get ready to welcome your X month long intermission from your New Mexico to Germany LDR. Enjoy all the luxuries of your soldier going to war with this new and improved addition to your life. New features including:
- Less communication
- Deeper loneliness
- Worry like never before
- And so much more!
You'll get this fully packaged experience retailing at 272 heartbreaks for FREE!

I promise I don't think I have it worse than anyone else who has experienced their Significant Other be deployed. In fact, I know anyone who has had their actual spouse deployed or who has kids has had worse experiences with deployment than I will experience during this deployment

Pray for him, please. This is not only going to be a strain on him emotionally but spiritually and potentially physically as well. God is going to do amazing things in Erik and through him during this time; he needs all the support he can get.

I can't say specifics on the internet about when or where he's deploying to due to OPSEC, but I can say that it's going to be hot outside while he is there.
Rightly so, let the care package making commence!

(Erik, if you are reading this, this is the part where you should stop reading. :) Thank you!)

(ERIK. STOP. READING.)

I've neglected Pinterest a lot this summer and now I need it. Thank you past and present military S.O.'s for having so many neat and exciting ideas on Pinterest!

>Letters are a must. After I got his mailing address I sent him a letter every day the post office was open while he was in basic training. I'm pretty sure he ended up with 39 letters and 63 pictures from that endeavor.
But now I have lots of creative ideas of "Open when" letters instead of just the "Letters of every day life."

>Pun Gifts. I sent him some of these for Valentines Day such as, "Shell I be your Valentine?" with a shell attached to the note. Cheesy, I know. But he is way cheesier than I am (I love it)!

>Pictures of course! Still debating whether they should be prints or digital copies on a cd. Maybe a mix of both?

>Decorations. Who would have ever thought of actually decorating the INSIDE of the package you're sending? Not I. But it's a fantastic idea!

>I'm still not sure if food is considered contraband during deployment, I'll have to check on that.

This is all the fun stuff that I actually like about LD. Distance means so little when someone means so much. Just gotta take the good with the bad, right?