"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."
I've read this passage many times before and have smiled many times before because of it. Because I have pictured myself as that woman. Strong. Dignified. Worry-free.
I read this passage again this morning and was a little disappointed to find myself not smiling. Not only was I not smiling, but I was really not smiling. More like, frowning. Angry.
"Where did that go?! Why am I not HER anymore?! I feel weak and tired and PATHETIC. I need to stop crying and I need to stop worrying. I want to feel better. Because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!
I am not strong.
I am not dignified.
I am scared."
Good.
Whaa?
Okay, hang with me for a sec. Maybe the past couple weeks haven't felt very good, but I choose to believe this is a good thing. Purposed.
4 things I know:
1. It is not my job to figure out what that purpose is.
It's not my job to "figure" anything out. Why? Because why in the world should I focus so much time and energy on "God, why am I going through this/why is this happening?" when He's already got it figured out? It's like a patient asking their surgeon, "Why did you make THAT incision?"
2. My job is to trust my God.
And why the heck should I not? If you know your surgeon is the best- he has (and always will have) a 100% success rate -the only thing to doubt is the surgery... but if your surgeon is the best... what's the issue?
3. The issue is how it feels.
"I feel sad."
"I feel lonely."
"I feel stressed."
"I feel anxious."
"I feel doomed."
I do believe we need feelings. Feelings and emotions can let us experience so much life and feelings can also be a sign that something is wrong:
ex.) Your hand will feel a burning sensation if exposed to an open flame for too long.
ex.) You will feel angry if you see someone beat a child.
Unfortunately, feelings can be a big ol' target board. Yep! And one of Satan's favorite pastimes is a game of darts. Oh yeah, and he'll play all day with his custom made darts. He's got despair tipped, stress tipped, rage tipped, worry tipped, anxiety tipped, and so many other kinds of darts! He's had a lot of practice and can hit the bulls eye every time.
They. Are. Lies.
When I wake up and I feel like a failure? LIES.
When I feel anxious to the point of nausea? LIES.
When I feel like This. Will. Never. End. LIES.
I was talking with my mom the other day about it all and she reminded me to proclaim out loud God's truth and that Satan has no authority in my heart and in my mind.
Boom. Call 'em as I see 'em.
4. There is hope.
I was reading in Genesis where Moses gives an account for each day of creation. Over and over again Moses writes,
"And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day."
"And evening passed and morning came, marking the second day."
"And evening passed...
... and morning came, marking the third day."
"And evening passed...
... and morning came, marking..."
Darkness doesn't mark the ending. Anxiety. Sadness. Grief. They don't mark the end.
Light. Only light.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
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